# Math quant jokes

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
negative volatility

Derivate Collector is an funny comic by Espen Haug:

negative volatility

#### Attachments

• Espen Haug - negative volatility.jpg
89.1 KB · Views: 153

#### Peter

I wrote this joke when I was an undergrad at San Francisco State University:

A mathematician's untoward pick-up line at a bar:

(\frac{dy}{dx} = y(x), \qquad y(0) = S)

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
Nice try ..... :smt024 :D

#### Peter

BTW, if my joke didn't make sense to anyone, you actually need to _solve_ the differential equation to understand the joke... Get the general solution and apply the initial condition.

Not promising you'll laugh. But you may be slightly amused. It's worth at least an eyebrow raise.

#### doug reich

##### Some guy
Peter I got it, although I always thought that joke was an abuse of notation...

#### evil

##### MQF Student
BTW, if my joke didn't make sense to anyone, you actually need to _solve_ the differential equation to understand the joke... Get the general solution and apply the initial condition.

Not promising you'll laugh. But you may be slightly amused. It's worth at least an eyebrow raise.

haha funny....was skeptical why used y(0)=S.. now I think it kinda gives it away

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
I wrote this joke when I was an undergrad at San Francisco State University:

A mathematician's untoward pick-up line at a bar:

(\frac{dy}{dx} = y(x), \qquad y(0) = S)

That's like a joke made by a professor of the University of Wuppertal (Germany):
"At next lectures we'll have sex and perversity."

He meant some homological stuff of sheaf cohomology and exact sequences.
Abbrevitation: (S_{ex})

#### Attachments

• PERVERSE COHERENT SHEAVES AND THE GEOMETRY OF SPECIAL PIECES IN THE UNIPOTENT VARIETY.pdf
412.1 KB · Views: 33

#### Peter

I tell ya, it's the story of my life.

I took a full year of topology and we did lots of surgery, but no sex and perversity. Just my luck...

Drag and drop smileys?!?!? You have GOT to be kidding me. Who the heck wrote this software?

#### Kent

Most of these leave me thinking Really? I found that funny? odd.....

I suppose it's the commonality of seeing these things, just through a different lens

Yeah for math jokes!

#### Peter

Here's one of my favorites:

At the height of the cold war, Poland's most magnaminous master spy was able to infiltrate a Soviet airbase and make off with the MiG-21, the most advanced fighter aircraft.

Infiltrating the base was easy. So was subduing the guards and taking off on the plane.

He was nearing an airbase within Poland when he came to the horrific realization that he had no idea how to land the plane. Frantically he radioed his contacts.

"Mayday... Mayday... Need assistance. I have no idea how to land this plane!"

"Jacek, it's quite simple. Find your altimeter, reduce airspeed, and lower the landing gear."

To which Jacek exclaimed:

"No... no... you don't understand. I'm looking at all this instrumentation and I can't make heads or tails out of it. I'm just a simple pole in the complex plane!" :tiphat:

Still can't get over how great quantnet's code is... Love it!!! Someone obviously spent a *great* deal of time working on QuantNet!

#### Kent

O boy! This thread is on a role haha

#### Andy Nguyen

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.......

now give me back my dog"

#### Andy Nguyen

Q) Why are quants so lucky?
A) Because they get to work with models all day.

#### Kent

:D That one made me actually laugh out loud! Good find Andy

#### Andy Nguyen

A group of accountants and actuaries are all traveling by train to the same conference. The accountants make a big deal out of making sure they each have their tickets, but the actuaries report that they just had one of their number buy a ticket, and the rest would do without, which the accountants of course thought was just a sign of incompetence. Before long, the conductor comes down the aisle, collecting tickets, and all the actuaries get up and crowd into the water closet. After the conductor collects all the rest of the passengers' tickets, he knocks on the WC door, demanding, "Ticket!" The actuaries slip their one ticket out the door, which the conductor takes and stamps and hands back before going on his way.

On the return trip, the accountants are all a-grin, and they proclaim that they've just got one ticket between the lot of them. But now the actuaries say they haven't any tickets at all. The accountants mumble amongst themselves words to the effect of, "Silly actuaries!" Then the conductor starts down the aisle, and all of the accountants crowd into the WC. And one of the actuaries goes the the WC door, knocks, and demands, "Ticket!"

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