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Math quant jokes

With no offense to anybody :)

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
 
A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. She admits she saw it. They ask her why she didn't put it out. She replies contemptuously "there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed."
 

Eugene Krel

sunmulA
The economist in this joke should be replaced by "Risk manager" and it will reflect real life precisely.

With no offense to anybody :)

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
 

Bastian Gross

German Mathquant
newton_and_leibniz.png

 

Sanket Patel

i do stuff
hahaha horatio caine strikes again!

For those who picked up on the Horatio Caine bit: "Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
 
Investment bank Dog competition:

A researcher, a risk manager and a trader each bring a dog to a competition.

The first one to display is the researcher's dog. The researcher brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until the maximum amount it could hold. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The second one to display is the risk manager's dog. The risk manager's brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until two thirds of the maximum it could hold and without spilling any milk during the whole process. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The third one to display is the trader's dog. The trader did not bring anything other than the dog. Then he commanded the dog to do what he taught. The dog stands up and walks in the direction of each one of the bowls and drinks all the milk.
 
• Two people are flying in a hot air balloon and realize they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him. They yell to him, “Can you help us – we’re lost.” The man on the ground replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground.” One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, “You must be an actuary. You gave us information that is accurate, but completely useless.” The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon, “You must be in marketing.” They yell back, “yes, how did you know?” The actuary says,” well, you’re in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it’s my fault.”
 
• Q: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity?
A: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask a quant how to calculate it.


• All the functions of x are at a party. They are all having fun, dancing and mingling except exp(x). Exp(x) is standing alone in the corner looking miserable. The other functions notice this and approach him they ask him “exp(x) why don’t you integrate with us?” and he replied “because it makes no difference!”
 
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