# Math quant jokes

#### woody

Sorry, but I came across this joke (was sent to me via my site) and couldn't stop myself from posting here.

Once there were three pregnant Indian women who slept on animal skins.

The first slept on a deer skin.
The second slept on a bear skin.
The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

The first had a strong baby boy.
The second also had a strong baby boy.
The third had strong twin baby boys.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

#### Soumya

Thats hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

Incidentally, was getting all ready to mumble about the choice of women, till i realised the joke meant the squaw kind :wasntme:

#### bob

##### Faculty (Undercover)
Sorry, but I came across this joke (was sent to me via my site) and couldn't stop myself from posting here.

Once there were three pregnant Indian women who slept on animal skins.

The first slept on a deer skin.
The second slept on a bear skin.
The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

The first had a strong baby boy.
The second also had a strong baby boy.
The third had strong twin baby boys.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

You definitely hit the trifecta on that one, Woody: dumb, geeky, and offensive.

On the topic of lame math jokes (are there other kinds?), one due to Thomas Pynchon, although I don't imagine he invented it:
$\int \frac{1}{(cabin)} d(cabin) = \log{(cabin)} + c = houseboat$

#### nonoah

can someone provide a smart, geeky and insight math joke.

You definitely hit the trifecta on that one, Woody: dumb, geeky, and offensive.

On the topic of lame math jokes (are there other kinds?), one due to Thomas Pynchon, although I don't imagine he invented it:
$\int \frac{1}{(cabin)} d(cabin) = \log{(cabin)} + c = houseboat$

I read the following long ago, can a articale call a joke? I like the piece 's quantitative spirit, but what would you said? what kind of critique would you have?

Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend - nothingisreal.com

#### naeron

Hahahha .... cheesy article ... freakonomics kind of stuff ... well done though ..

#### Yuriy

##### MFE Alum
Interesting article some parts of it are questionable to me.
He says "should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm. ...the area to the left of the normal curve at z = 2 is", he means "area to the right of z=2" and calculates it correctly.
What is more interesting is how he calculates the intelligence fraction. He says that "...intelligence ... has a notionally normal distribution across the population" and simply takes the right tail percentage of the normal distribution from the previous number which refers to the population of beautiful women, not women in general

#### woody

Ok, someone gave me a couple of bad math jokes that you may have seen before.

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: Just say: "Your brain is smaller than any $$\epsilon>0$$"

Theorem: A cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.

And on that note:

There are 10 kinds of people out there. Those who know binary math, and those who don't.

:-&

#### alain

##### Older and Wiser
In the spirit of dumb jokes, I have two versions of the same geeky joke as they were sent to me... draw your own conclusions... :D

(Version 1 - The most common one)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

#### alain

##### Older and Wiser
(Version #2 - I like it better... you will se why... )

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Hilarious proof! =D>Thank you Alain, you made my day.

#### Andy Nguyen

Saw this on Mark Joshi website. Pretty funny

Courtesy of Nilesh Panandikar 21/05/2007

"A molecular biologist with a PhD at University of Birmingham, in the UK, quits his lab position to become a plumber, since a plumber apparently earns twice what he currently makes (~US$42K)." True story. The following is a joke. One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. "This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled. Well, he paid and then the plumber said to him: "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply tell them that you completed only the seventh grade. They don't like educated people." So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly. One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person who was asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he forgot the formula. He started to reason it and soon filled the board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result that he had forgotten. As a result he got "negative pi times r squared." He didn't like the negative, so he started all over again. He got the negative sign again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a negative. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!" Courtesy of Nilesh Panandikar 21/05/2007 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for$1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math" in the US: Teaching Math In 1950 ..... A logger sells a truckload of lumber for$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960 .....
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or$80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970 .....
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is$80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980 .....
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 ..... By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005 .....
El hachero vende un camion carga por \$100. La cuesta de production es.............

MJ: By the way, it's not just the US where standards have slipped, the following happened to me in a central London department store:
Me: how much is the table?
Shop assistant: it's 100 pounds, but 70% percent off. Are you any good at percentages?
Me: Oh, I think that comes to 30 pounds. I'll take two.
Shop assistant: I think you're right.
We go to the till. The tables come up at 21 pounds each for a total of 42 pounds.
Shop assistant: We must have got our sums wrong.
I just smile.

#### alain

##### Older and Wiser
BTW, the spanish translation is horrible!!!

#### charlesdwright

I am not proud of this, necessarily, but the only math "joke" I know is an equation that is not printable...

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
This is a simple unresolved and ongoing problem of math in finance:

"But this is the simplified version for the general public!"

#### Attachments

• Math - General Public.jpg
21.6 KB · Views: 34

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
Then a miracle occurs!

And this is one more dumb math comic of my favourite Sidney Harris: :-k

#### Bastian Gross

##### German Mathquant
"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

Mathematicians never die - they only loose some of their functions.

#### charlesdwright

this is more my speed. Sesame Street-like.

#### charlesdwright

And this is one more dumb math comic of my favourite Sidney Harris: :-k

Hey Bob! They made a cartoon about you!

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